My car hates me

Almost 10 years ago, on the eve of the birth of Moo, I bought a Pathfinder. Let's call her "PF." PF has faithfully carted my kids home from the hospital, to and from daycare, school, day camps, grandmothers' houses, sleep-away camp, and dance class. In short, PF has become a member of the family. At some point, though, PF decided she hated me and would prefer to be with my Hubs. Example: PF loved to play dead (no power, no clicking, no nothing), but magically start like a dream when Hubs or police called to the scene. In fact, PF was the cause of the one and only instance where I hung up on Hubs during an SOS phone call. Details not important. Suffice it to say that Hubs later apologized. PF has yet to do so.

Flash forward to today. Hubs and Moo are in Wisconsin at family funeral. Gibby and I stay in Texas because I had to drop her off this afternoon at sleep-away camp. Hubs left PF for me to drive because Gibby's camp trunk is very large and very heavy. Good idea, I thought. Gibby and I blithely set off for Marble Falls around 8:30 in the AM. We have a lovely drive with a rousing game of "Slug Bug." I lost handily. I get Gibby dropped off. Cute Baylor Junior helped with with said huge trunk. I was shocked to hear Alexander is now an honors mens' dorm. Weird. Sadly, Gibby was strangely and totally embarassed by her ole Mom and I was out of there in under 30 mins. I skip to PF ready to listen to naughty David Sedaris and Justin Halpern ("Stuff" My Dad Says) MP3s I had downloaded for the long drive home.

PF sensing that I am the only Hennessee present clicks on her "Service Engine Soon" light at around the Temple city limit. I had packed a bag thinking I might treat myself and stay at a hotel in Temple or Waco instead of doing the whole drive in one day, but at that point, I knew the game was on. NO WAY was I stopping now. Until about Waco, I ignored PF's polite light indicating that she was totally peeved at me. Suddenly in Waco, she decided to make some horrible shutting-down, clicking noise while jerking madly like she was on the Devil's cruise control. Now the gloves were off. We hate each other, and this is war. I slow down to 60, which appeases her for a few more miles. But then she begins to hack again. So, I reluctantly turn off the air conditioner. Note to out-of-state friends: it's about 105 here. No air conditioner makes PF super happy. So, everything is hunky dory as long as I don't go over 60 in a 70 MPH zone and I have my windows down. I was quite popular on I-35 today. So many people honked, waved with one finger, and gave me their good wishes as they zoomed by. It really warmed my heart.

Don't be mistaken. I was terrified I would stall out in some backwater where the only garage was owned by Buddy "the polite rapist" Jones. So scared that I couldn't take my hands off the wheel and I could only pray. Have you ever tried to pray while listening to Halpern or Sedaris? It's really hard. It goes something like this: Dear God [Why do you run around like your a##hole's on fire after one candy bar? Stay outside until you either need to s*!t or go to sleep.] Please get me home alive [My elf suit at Macy's was a yellow turtleneck, green tights, and green velveteen pants] Let me see your will in why my car hates me [You say you're sick? I think you've got a case of the bulls*!ts] HAHAHAHAHA. Oops! Sorry God. I really DO want to get home, but this is some funny stuff.

Needless to say, I am totally blaming PF if I get in trouble for this on Judgment Day. Anywho, I made it home and will be spending my vacation day tomorrow at the repair shop. I really hate PF, but I think I may have finally talked the Hubs into a new car. That's right -- PF has won for almost 8 years, but I may have the last laugh.

Final indignity: I get home & cable box is out. So no "Mad Men." Guess I get to listen to more Halpern and Sedaris.